Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I logged on the other for the first time in about 4 months last night and almost fell off the bed at the number of views my blogged has received.
Thank you for caring enough to read my story.
It's been a while since my last post, and while my first post seems like a lifetime ago, my life with PCOS and Endometriosis is still very present.
In September I had some concerning symptoms return and I scheduled an ultra sound with my Gynecologist to make sure everything was ok. The ultra sound showed my ovaries had once again become riddled with cyst, like an "overloaded chocolate chip cookie" the technician put it. Now, before you go preparing my hysterectomy get well kit and my pamphlet for entering menopause I also took a blood test. This blood test is used for detecting cancer, yet it also has a handy side effect caused by one disease causing false positives...
DING DING DING!
Endometriosis
My levels came back low, meaning the Endo in my body was still at bay from the lupron. My big bad battle with Endo was still won, but all along I was a double threat. I once again have active PCOS. As soon as I started menstruating again my PCOS flared it's nasty head. At first I felt defeated, as though I spent all my time focusing all my energy on one disease just to have been taken down by another. I had done everything the doctors told me to. I had taken all the medicines they had given me. I had lost all the weight I could. I have eaten all the nuts and berries I could fit in my purse. I haven't had real milk, coffee, or red meat in a year and a half. I ran an hour a day, followed by yoga for another 30 min. I have enough vitamins and supplements on my counter to double as my own drug store.
I wish I could tell you my story ended with me getting completly better and my diseases disappearing the second I got off the operating table, but it didn't. It just doesn't work like that. Being a fighter doesn't mean fighting only until you have won, it means getting back up when the hits don't stop.
It means continuing to live your life to the best of your ability.
When you have Endo and PCOS you learn the art of adapting. You change your life to be able to live it as best you can, and it can be hard and heartbreaking. I would never wish hormonal issues on my worst enemy. It is easy to become to depressed and unresponsive. If someone came up to me and told me to just "tough it out" I would put my extra amount of testosterone to good use. It doesn't get easier for you after diagnosis, it just changes you. You have to make the decision on how you respond to it.
It took me five months to clearly respond to this...
I did not have as much time being completely PCOS free as I wanted. I am disappointed all of my life changes didn't mean absolute protection from ever feeling pain again. I am more aware of the severity of my conditions. I begin to look at a bigger spectrum of outcomes outside my one plan as now being possibilities.
This doesn't mean I stop or give up just because it hasn't provided me what I wanted. I am still Endo free until the test shows me differently. I am still able to have children until my doctor firmly tells me otherwise. My PCOS is still controlled until my ruptures return or life become unmanagable.
I have to look at this from a day to day basis.
Today I didn't wake up with a cystic nodule.
Today I was able to work out for an hour without stopping from pain.
Today I am still at a healthy weight.
Today I didn't have a cyst rupture.
Today I didn't bleed through anything.
Today I didn't have a clump of hair on my pillow.
Today I didn't have a nose bleed.
I may not be where I thought I would be, but I am a hell of a lot farther than I was. I'll take it for now. I'll take today and leave tomorrow to be it's own. I can only live my life adapting to what today brings, and that means steeling my heart to the things that may or may not come for me.
When it is time to laugh, I will laugh.
When it is time to celebrate, I will celebrate.
When it is time to feel, I will feel.
When it is time to scream, I will scream.
When it is time to mourn, I will mourn.
When it is time to fight, I will fight.
When it is time to be brave, I will be brave.
When it is time, I will.
Live today to the best of your ability. Let go of the things you can't control or the questions you have unanswered for now. When the days come to face your fears and heartaches, face them with your heart and allow yourself to feel - but don't get pulled into that tempting darkness of hopelessness and defeat. Don't let your heart become consumed by your doubt that you will never have a life outside pain and heartaches.
To have a life outside of having Endo and PCOS is difficult, you work at it everyday. You find a GOOD doctor who will listen, and that you RESPECT. This could also mean going to more than one. I have been to three doctors since my journey began. It's a relationship that like all other relationships needs an effort from BOTH sides. You have to talk honestly and openly to your doctor, as well as actually listen to them. You will need to have the courage to speak out against things you don't want to do or are not comfortable with. You have to understand that there are things you will have to do that plain suck. You can't eat a lot of foods. You will have to open your mind to taking birth control. You have to keep up with regular appointments and ultrasounds. You have to be as active as possible from day to day. On days you can run, run. On days you are in pain try your best to take some time to slowly stretching on the floor, or doing simple yoga poses to help relieve the cramps. Drink a lot of water. The topic of medications is a monster of it's own, but listen with an open mind and take time to think before saying yes, or no.
Don't get discouraged when things don't feel like they are getting better. It will take time. Don't let negative stories or ignorant comments kill your passion to be better. They do not know your heart and they do not deserve your time. It will take a good fight and a strong heart. It will be scary, but you are braver than you know.
